Anyone who has flown on an airplane has heard the flight attendant announce “Place your oxygen mask on yourself before helping others,” in their pre-flight speech (those people who pay attention to pre-flight speech anyway). As a mom this alway struck a cord with me as a selfish, even irresponsible act, “Of course I will always make sure my baby is ok before I take care of myself.” FACT: There is no taking care of your baby if you are passed out from lack of oxygen.
Several years ago when I returned to my yoga practice after Ella was born I finally began to understand this very important lesson. Taking care of yourself first only benefits those who you are caring for.
When Ella was 2 years old our family attended a Yoga for the Special Child training in Encinitas, CA, as I’ve mentioned before this was the first step in my long recovery from very severe postpartum depression (http://juliepeoplesclark.wordpress.com/yoga-and-healing/). After the training I began practicing yoga every day—meditating, reading The Yoga Sutras and practicing yoga asanas by myself and with Ella. I felt guilty taking an hour for myself and would always include Ella in my practice. After practicing this way for a year I attended another Yoga for the Special Child training by myself in New York City. I explained to the very wise and amazing Sonia Sumar, founder of the Yoga for the Special Child program, what my yoga practice had consisted of over the past year—practice each day with Ella always included. She encouraged me to take the hour I practiced yoga for myself, “Let someone else care for Ella while you care for yourself.” This advice was very hard for me to take at the time and took a long time for me to implement. I felt selfish and guilty leaving Ella out and taking an hour for myself. Finally I listened, as I began to practice non-attachment from Ella for an hour I found myself recovering slowly from my depression and I was becoming a better caregiver. This change in my practice not only benefited me if benefited everyone around me, I was more energized, more loving, happier and I was a better wife and partner to my husband Dave. As I fast forward 6 years to the present I am still taking time for myself, practicing yoga daily, going to a yoga studio and spending time in an incredible environment with like minded people. I come home from my practice happy, energized and walk through my door to a happy Dave and a very happy Ella. Life is good.
I have decided to go to Los Angeles in April for a 9 week Bikram yoga teacher training. This will be a huge challenge for me in so many ways, the biggest challenge of all will be the separation from Ella and Dave. I know they will be fine without me, I just hope I am fine without them. Another lesson to learn how to practice non-attachment in a healthy way, be present and not dependent on those who I love. As it states in the Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali find “freedom from ego bound rigidity” that we create in our lives. I will let you know how that goes.
A beautiful metaphor. I teach yoga and a difficult concept to get across to students is that taking care of themselves is important for helping others. Many people feel guilty allowing themselves peace while others suffer. This gets to be a difficult subject that goes deep into the sutras as you no doubt know. But the oxygen mask is an excellent place to begin the discussion. Thank you.
Hi Julie! As I was reading your post, it reminded me of myself in so many little ways. I can certainly feel your anguish in leaving Dave and Ella for 9 weeks. (Gosh, that’s really a long time) Anyway, in knowing you in the past, (gosh, just a short 20 years ago…lol…) I know that you are a very strong person. I sort of went through some of the same feelings you did, however, mine was before I actually adopted my first son. (I know, prepare for a long email) My husband at the time and I wanted a family so bad, we tried and tried, then decided to try in-vetro. Well, geez, after our third go-round, and after spending thousands of dollars on something that didn’t work…I got very sick. See, apparently during the last go-round, when they were doing the ‘transfer’, (putting the fertilized eggs back into me), I woke up in severe pain. Something that should never happen. The doctor told me when she was doing the transfer, she ‘hit something and it started to bleed. BUT don’t worry, it’ll stop, and everything will be fine’. About three days later, I had just arrived at work in the morning, gotten to my desk and literally doubled over in the mosty severe pain I had ever felt. I could barely pick up my phone to call my boss, who ended up driving me to the ER. After a full day of tests and no one finding a thing wrong with me, my GYN came in and said she was going to do an exploratory surgery on me, it wouldn’t take any longer than a half hour. Do the got me prepped and into surgery in less than 5 minutes. Six hours later…yea, six- I finally woke up in recovery, had no idea it was that long…blah blah blah. GYN said she had NEVER seen anything like it before, what it was was literally like a ‘puss-like’ substance growing all over my internal organs. If she hadn’t come along and done that surgery, I would have more than likely been dead no more than an hour later. She said it was just at the point of reaching my lungs, and if it had, well…you know. Anyway, I was in the hospital for a month, on home IV antibiotics for another month. But while I was in the hospital, I became severely depressed, (doc said it was similar to post partum) because of the organs we were dealing with. We wanter a child so bad, and it was the last week I was in the hospital that I told my (now ex) that I didn’t think we should try anymore, there are thousands and thousands of children out there in this world that need a good family. That’s when I started looking into adoption. The rest of the story is pretty much history, we are going through a very difficult time right now, Andrew, my oldest, adopted from Ukraine at age 4, had a bilateral cleft palate, which was fixed…I mean botched, by some doctor over there. He is 13 now, he’s preparing now for an extremely major surgery (as soon as a couple of adult teeth come in where he has recently lost a tooth). So, we are probably looking at somewhere in April or May (hoping maybe they’ll hold off if its then and just do it over summer vacation. They are taking a piece of bone from his hip and putting it in the front of his upper jaw area. They are doing the surgery at Children’s Hospital in DC, and right now we are looking at a one week stay (of which I will be there, will not leave his side…my little momma’s boy!…lol!)
Anyway, so so sorry for the long message. You are probably wondering what the heck does this have to do with anything. Well, I know some of us are most fortunate to have a special needs child, and those of us who do…have experienced this post partum thing, thinking in the back of our minds, ‘what could I have done differently’, or ‘what did I do to deserve a child with these needs?’. The only answer I could come up with was that God had this plan for us long ago. WE didn’t do anything wrong, matter of fact, I now believe its what we did that was right. He knows how strong willed we are and just how strong we are in general to give us these beautiful children that we love so dearly. Take those 9 weeks and enjoy the time for yourself. You deserve this time for YOU! Have faith in Dave to take care of Ella and have faith in Ella to take care of Dave. They need this time too, just think of it that way. Think of it as more bonding time for the two of them. I wish I had an opportunity like this. You will be ‘happier’, (not that you aren’t happy), but you will see such a huge difference in your relationship with both Dave and Ella upon your return.
I know I haven’t seen or talked to you in, well just about all of these 20 (gosh we are getting old…!) years, but I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, cry to. Like I said before, I know our situations are different, but we have so many similarities, and gosh, I totally understand what you must be going through. SOOOOOOO, thay being said, I must end this EXTREMELY LONG message, it hasn’t been easy sitting in front of my house typing this while I’m sitting in my car, but I had just read your message and it struck me, right in the heart. So…my emai is Laurie.bind@yahoo.com if you ever want to chat. I will give you my number, but not here on a public site. Thank you Julie, you and Dave are AMAZING parents. Truly. I goive you so much credit, Ella is one very lucky littlt girl to have both of you. I hope to hear from you sometime. Thank you Julie. …and again, my apologies for the looooooong message.
Julie-This is a challenge i struggle w/everyday now that I am Mom! Liam is napping so instead of doing chores your words have inspired me to go do some yoga & meditation! Good luck w/the yoga training! You will shine!