Archive for March, 2011

My brother-in-law said I looked like a Real Housewife in this outfit.

OK…I admit it, I watch the Real Housewives of OC (really this is the only Housewives show I watch.)

Anyway , what I have in common with a Housewife is postpartum depression. One of the characters on the show is recovering from postpartum depression, and like I did, has chosen to treat her depression with natural remedies not pharmaceuticals. Disclaimer…I am not judging anyone for how they chose to treat their depression, it was my choice not to use pharmaceuticals. Everyone must do what is right for them and their own personal illness.

As I listened to the Housewife tell her story I was overcome by emotion and the parallels to my own illness, the fear, the sadness, the guilt and ultimately the shutting down completely–the lack of emotion for anyone or anything. One scene on the show shows the Housewife’s reaction when her daughter cuts her finger. Her daughter’s cut is not that bad, but the Housewife cannot handle it. She begins to spin out of control, worried about the amount of blood loss, how she was cut, who to blame and getting the baby to the hospital. Her in control husband is able to handle the situation, he gets the bleeding stopped and at his wife’s insistence takes the baby to the hospital. It may seem curious why the Housewife didn’t take the baby to the hospital herself, however I understand. When Ella was very young I never took her to her doctor’s appointments, I couldn’t handle it.  I felt guilty and  judged that Ella’s Cerebral Palsy was my fault and I couldn’t fix it. Often I would drive Dave and Ella to appointments and wait in the car or drive around the block many times until the appointment was over. Dave and Ella would get in the car after the appointment and Dave would have to give me a full report on what the Doctor said and I would get very angry if he left out a detail. To this day I’m very anxious in doctor’s offices with Ella —my heart still races, I still feel guilty and I still can’t fix everything. So as far apart as our worlds may be, I understand this Housewife, her anxiety, her guilt, her fear and her deep love for her children which makes the anxiety, guilt and fear even harder to handle.


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It has been far too long since my last post. I would like to say that I’ve been too busy with no time to write, however that’s not true. I have started writing many times over the past month but every time I begin to type I get very negative, basically I’ve been complaining a lot. I stop writing because I don’t want to complain, complaining does nothing to create an accessible life for Ella. I suppose my attitude problem started about a month ago when a friend complained to me about how her 2 1/2  year old was driving her crazy “with all the talking and questions.” Then a friend of my husband’s complained about lack of sleep from his 1 year old. As I sat there listening to their grievances I wanted to scream, “At least your kid can talk!” and  “When you haven’t slept through the night  in 8 years then you can complain to me!” Of course I didn’t yell, I sat, listened, took deep breaths, came home, and yelled, screamed and cried to Dave. “How could people be so insensitive, don’t they know what we go through everyday AND NIGHT?”

The fact is they don’t and I don’t know what they go through either. Each person’s experience/suffering is relative, it makes no sense for me to try to explain how my situation is more difficult, because it might not be.  I don’t want people to feel that they can’t talk to me about their lives. I firmly believe that we are only given in life what we can handle. Somehow the universe felt that I could handle this, having a child with a disability. I need to dig deep within myself and find the strength that I know I have and move past my funk. I’ve done it before, I will do it again and I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

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