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Archive for October, 2014

Mondays are my time to cry. Every Monday morning, since Ella passed, I wake up early and cry. I look at the empty spot on the couch, Ella’s spot, and cry. I remember waking up the first Monday morning Ella was gone. How empty the house felt and I cry. I go to yoga class and dear friends ask how I am and I cry. I walk past her room and I cry. I see her coat still hanging in the closet and I  cry. I go for a walk to clear my head and I cry. I try to work, write and I cry. I feel lonely and I cry. I watch something on the Ellen Show and I cry.  I look at our Halloween decorations. I don’t want to put them up, I cry. I won’t be making her Halloween costume this year, I cry. I think about all we have been through. The tough decisions we had to make and I cry. I think about the pain that Ella was in and how sick she was and I cry. I don’t cry all day long. Just periodically throughout day. This seems to happen only on Mondays. There are other times during the week that I cry but the bulk of my crying is on Mondays.  Is it the realization that I will live another week without Ella in my life? Is it that once again I have to find things to do and places to go to occupy the time that used to be for Ella? Is it seeing the rest of the world going on all around me with everyone back to their lives and I am still without Ella? This is not unusual. I have a friend who lost her husband in December and she told me her day to cry is Friday. I also know that this is ok. It’s normal to cry. Ella will be gone 5 months on October 11. It is unbelievable. At times, it feels like yesterday and at other times it feels like another lifetime all together. Another lifetime of hard, hard labor. I told my doctor that I was tired of being an example for others for how to overcome impossible situations. Tired of being an inspiration. My doctor told me I was allowed to feel this way and that the rest of my life could be easy. That sounds great, easy. Easy makes me cry. Crying for wanting easy, for not wanting the hard job of caring for Ella. UGH, I suppose it’s a cycle. Tomorrow is Tuesday. good photos 037

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