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Archive for January, 2015

IMG_3515IMG_3511IMG_2924IMG_2691For the past two weeks I’ve been having nightmares about Ella, Dave and the baby I miscarried in June. I have never experienced nightmares this intense before. Certainly not dreams so vivid that I wake up in tears. The dreams vary, but mostly they have the same theme, abandonment.  Everyone leaves me alone. In the most recent dream, I was standing on a bridge and watched Ella, Dave and the baby jump off the bridge. I yelled, screamed and ran after them only to be left alone as they were swept away by the waters below. I woke up in tears. Dave woke up to my sobs and he comforted me. However, I was angry at him for leaving me alone. This is crazy, it was a dream. He is right there loving and supporting me.

I have been doing some research on dreams and grief and it’s not unusual to experience nightmares. Reliving the pain of death and loss on the astral plane. I have been talking about my dreams to anyone who will listen. Several of my friends who have recently been pregnant reminded me that during pregnancy your dreams can be very vivid as well. There just seem to be so many layers to grief and loss that it penetrates every aspect of my life. This morning I was cleaning out the cabinets in my kitchen, i came across a few bags of grains and can goods that were several years expired. As I move through this journey of grief, loss and rebirth I feel like I am searching the dark cabinets of my soul and releasing the expired can goods of my past. I think about the times that I was angry, sad and frustrated with Ella’s disability.  How unfair her life seemed to be at times and the pain it caused me as her Mom as I tried to fix everything and protect her. These are feelings that I can let go of now because as I reflect back on her short life, she was a happy, happy kid. She lived a rich, full 11 years. She imparted her sage-like wisdom on our family and changed the person that I am forever. She taught me the most important lesson of all to always, “Choose love at every turn. No matter what. No exceptions.”

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opposite cars…

Once again Dave and I seem to be at opposite ends of the grieving roller coaster. The memories that trigger his grief bring me joy and the memories that trigger my grief he is indifferent to. This is causing a bit if tension between us and has me questioning my own process.

For example, last night as I was showering, I started thinking about holding Ella in our bedroom on the morning that she died. She was sleeping in our bed and woke up very upset. We gave her medication, I held her, calmed her down and she fell asleep. She never woke up after that. This memory is hard for me, as are many of the other memories from the last three days of her life. In fact, many of the memories of her last 6 weeks of life are difficult. We were in and out of the hospital, blood tests, transfusions, ultrasounds and no answers as to what was wrong with her. We watched her deteriorate before us, her body swelled from the fluid shifts, the weekly blood draws caused bruising all over her sweet little arms, she slept all of the time and slowly she stopped eating. I stepped out of the shower in tears. Dave was standing at the sink brushing his teeth. He asked what was wrong. I told him what I was thinking about and he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You just have to become neutral to those memories. That is what works for me.” OK, that sounds like a great idea, but a monumental task to me right now. His response pissed me off, I told him so and he apologized. I went to bed and had terrible dreams about the last few days of Ella’s life. I woke up shaken and still a little pissed at Dave.

This morning, we had a doctor’s appointment for the new baby. I had a blood glucose test and baby check up. Everything is great. The baby is developing and growing just like he should. We met with a new nurse midwife this morning. She was just lovely and made me feel very well cared for. However, she said to me, I know you and your family. She had seen us many times at our local beach paddle boarding with Ella. She has even read this blog. It was wonderful to recall the memories of hanging out at the beach with Ella. She loved the water and always had such fun surfing on her paddle board. I left the appointment feeling hopeful and happy to think of some very fun times with my sweet Ella. As Dave and I got in the car I looked over and Dave was crying. I was shocked and confused. My appointment went very well. The new baby is doing great and my pregnancy is progressing. We just met a new friend who had been touch and moved by our Ella. He should be happy. I asked what was wrong and he didn’t answer. I got pissed again and waited about 5 minutes for him to finally respond to my question. He said it was the memory of playing with Ella in the lake that made him sad. Thinking about all of the fun we had with Ella triggers his grief and makes him miss her terribly. WOW, we have totally opposite reactions to memories. How is it that happy, fun Ella memories bring me joy and brings Dave to tears? The sad tragic memories of Ella’s death brings me sadness and despair and Dave is neutral about these memories. I know neither of us is doing anything wrong. Grief is very personal, but it sure would be a lot easier if we were at least in the same car on the roller coaster. 480813_4459434086329_797624333_n 250209_2297039187808_2545111_n

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