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Archive for November, 2016

Giving support.

Ella has been gone two and a half years. Being Ella’s mom was hard. There was lots of guilt, worry and stress on my part. However, there also was a lot of triumph, joy, and tons of love. Ella was my life, my job, my purpose for 11 years. Her death still brings me to my knees with grief at times. Healing is something that I actively work on every single day of my life. My husband and I have seen therapists together and apart and our marriage is strong at times and very rocky at times. 18 months ago, I gave birth to Emanuel Blessing. Our beautiful, healthy, happy baby boy. He is an amazing gift. We marvel at his developmental milestones. We treasure each moment we spend with him and refuse to take one moment for granted. We are grateful.

The months following Ella’s death we were blessed to have the support of many friends and family. People called, texted, sent notes and simply stopped by to check on us. We felt supported and remembered. As the months and years have gone by that support has all but stopped. With the exception of a few special people who make a point of mentioning Ella and ask how we are each time they see us, most, don’t bother to ask. Many people have completely disappeared from our lives. Perhaps folks feel that 2 1/2 years is long enough to mourn. Maybe people think that they will make us sad by mentioning Ella. Maybe seeing us makes them sad and people can’t handle it. Or maybe, they’ve just forgotten. Ella was our lives for 11 years. The thought of people forgetting her existence hurts so very deeply that it cuts to the raw pain that I felt as she died in my husband’s and my arms 2 1/2 short years ago.

Until recently, I tried reaching out to friends. I asked people to go for walks with me, out to lunch or have their children have playdates with my son. However, one can only be turned down so many times. Happily, because of my son, I’ve made a few new friends with moms who have children the same age as my son. So, I’ve given up on trying to make  connections with those who knew me when Ella was alive. Those friends that know what my husband and I went through with Ella and were witness to her sweet gentle nature. It’s pretty devastating to think that Ella, and myself and my husband’s pain can be forgotten in such a short period of time.

My propose in writing this is not to make anyone feel guilty or bad about themselves. My writing is to hopefully  shine a light on a group of parents who are sadly all too often forgotten. Parents of loss. We are very aware that time has moved on and people must get back to their lives. We too, have moved along with time. However, our small group has that one defining moment in time

when our children took their last breath. That moment will stop time in its tracks, bringing us back over and over again to witness.  These moments, our children and ourselves deserve to be remembered. So, if you have someone in your life who has lost a child, or has survived passed any loved one, make an effort. No matter how many years have passed, if you care, let them know. Even the smallest of gestures is greatly, greatly appreciated.

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